Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.