Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

Family Celebrity

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

How it started How it’s going

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right