Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.