Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*