Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
water it, i dare you
#ProTip
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home