Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees