Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

honestly, i need both:

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”