Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.