Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.