Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

It has been 3 years since Monday.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.