Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

New menu item

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]