Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.