me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”