Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[the middle of showering] I need a break
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.