Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The photographer’s assistant
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I falcon love using swear birds
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Plant care tips
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.