Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.