me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
You Might Also Like
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Worlds greatest photobomb
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds