ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Not messing around
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring