ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Well, that should do it
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair