Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

🗽

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

This could be us… but you playing

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.