Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
the saddest jazz hands ever
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Salad is the decaf of food.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
