Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

A sick whale is called an unwhale

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

you’re so productive for your wage

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.