Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

I wish I were this cool 😂

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall