Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

where do you see yourself in five years?

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.