ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
I’m the neighbor
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling