Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

I mean…but I did

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?