ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan