Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.