Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

I had to Stop for this

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.