ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
My inexpensive home security system…
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.