ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
✌🏽
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs