Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

look scared

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

I love the honesty

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.