Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark