Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

peeping toms

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

*launders Kohls cash*

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

I hate when that happens.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.