Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”