Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

me opening up to someone

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.