Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
What?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
What about a To-Don’t List?