Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

ㅤ

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.