ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
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Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
2024 has been a rough few years
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.