Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

i will avenge u mr van gogh

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.