@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

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@julcasagrande

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@SamGrittner

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

@neerjagurnani

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

@Adityaneut01

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy đŸ˜›

@SladeWentworth

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

@Illiter8

It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”

@mostlysharks

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

@RexChapman

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

@MartaEffing

Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.