Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.
Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.