Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John