Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!