Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’