Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here