Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
You Might Also Like
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.