Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous