Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

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*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”