Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
You Might Also Like
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.