@jenlapcomedy

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

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@girl_a_whirl

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@envydatropic

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

@BoogTweets

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

@DraggingFeeties

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

@PaperWash

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now