Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.