Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Feels like the fourth month in January

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}