@scorpicpanda

Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”

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@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

@skittle624

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

@ShortSleeveSuit

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

@DKG26

Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..

@threetimedaddy

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@kyle_thatisall

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@ADHDeanASL

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school