Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”

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My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.


Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.


Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.


BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!


Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..


Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one


Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae


How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk


If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school