[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”
12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”
Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”
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Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.
‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.