Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”

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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!




Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish


Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.


Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag


In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me


I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’


me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??


After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.


‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.