@PopeAwesomeXIII
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
@scorpicpanda
Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”
12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”
Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”
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@PopeAwesomeXIII
@SuperShourds
My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
@KentWGraham
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
@skittle624
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
@ShortSleeveSuit
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
@DKG26
Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..
@threetimedaddy
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
@paulrobalino
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
@kyle_thatisall
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
@ADHDeanASL
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school