Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

brian had himself a morning…

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT