Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.