Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
#SCOTUS one-star review
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying