Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Still a very good boi….

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit