Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

#JohnTravolta

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*