Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped