Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You Might Also Like
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
This is always good for a laugh.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.