Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
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I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
This came to me in a dream.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
