Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

they see me scrollin