Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
How it started: How it’s going:
and now we wait
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I need to sieze this.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems