Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life