Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]