Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

I wish this was real life…

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.