me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”