me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.