me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
You Might Also Like
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!