Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

I can’t stop watching this.

I am never leaving this website

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.