Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣