me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.