Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
W: No, I did.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:
Your car got paint on my keys.
Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?