me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.