me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
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Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Sing it!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.