Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.