Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
and now we wait
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”