Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks