*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
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I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Solving a traffic jam
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Mice are just frozen Mwater.