*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy